So.... Who Am I Anyway ?

Number One:

Number Two:

These photos were taken at such different times yet I find myself in the same position and/or situation in life.  I chose the photos because they are truly so similar....the background in both were temporary yet never to be forgotten.  I'm wearing no make up in either.  Misch took both photos. 

In photo 1 I was lost and confused however felt safe and loved for the first time in my life.  Slippery ice hardly covered the situation however I felt a warmth that was melting all the danger away.  I was so excited about the future.  So sure about the future.  So in love with it all. 

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A mere 3 years later...photo 2 was taken on my 39th birthday.  In theory I should be more lost and confused than ever.  The feeling of safety and love has totally been shown to have only been a facade which is a feeling I'm familiar with ......unfortunately.  I'm not on slippery ice, I'm in a fucking hurricane - that is where the warmth comes from now. 

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That being said I have established firm boundaries in my life in order to protect me from people.  I rely on no one, which truly terrifies me to the core.  I unfortunately keep a rather dark back up plan which oddly comforts me and encourages me to continue putting one foot in front of the other.  I remain lost and confused but have insights.  For one I'm realizing that I'm confused because I'm trying to accept a logical result from a totally illogical set of circumstances. 

My God the innocence of number....