My Inner Peace

Earlier today I spoke to a dear friend who had an Ah-Ha moment and really started putting pieces of the puzzle together in her life.

After I hung up, I rethought our conversation. I am so proud of her I could cry.  It is so wonderful to see someone holding the keys to a possibly better and more fulfilling life. 

And then, wouldn't you know it, on that thought I had an Ah-Ha moment of my own.  I'm well aware of the fact that my picker is broken, so what I've done is set a list of requirements for any man who may enter my life...
1.  Can't look, act or resemble Steve Spurrier in any way.
2.  Must have good job or just be f-ing wealthy
3.  Must be calm and peaceful = mature.

THEN I realized I'm fucking up all over AGAIN my friends.  Not that the criteria is necessarily wrong, just that there should be NO criteria at all.  Why?  Because I am choosing to consider someone who would bore me to death.  So why would I have this stupid ass list? I already have a check point in place to keep me from doing anything stupid.... I must date someone at LEAST two years before I decide if anything really serious is to be considered  (marriage, engagement, moving in together, etc).  That is my check system right there.  Outside of that me.....I need to be fucking having FUNNNN! 

Then I thought about the situation I'm facing currently.  I haven't mentioned this situation, but I've thought a good deal about it this week.  I've gone on a few dates with a guy from my high school.  On paper he is as much of a disaster as I am.  THEN I blended my two thought processes mentioned above. 

1.  I asked myself do I like spending time with this guy?  My answer was an overwhelming YES. 
2.  I asked myself if I have fun hanging out with him and talking to him.  YES. 

3.  I asked myself is he is good to me, does he treat me with respect.  YES. 

.......Today I realized I'm over thinking life and am missing out on making some great new friends and possibly even more with my ol' high school crush or anyone else for that matter who doesn't carry the label of CEO and is 60+ years of age (laugh)... 

So, lets do this thing. 

HOLY SHIT.  MY ENTIRE GOAL OF MY LIFE WAS TO BECOME 'MOTHER OF THE YEAR'.  I JUST OUTKICKED MY COVERAGE..... 

Pressure!!!!!!!!

Mother Fucking PRESSURE!!!!

THIS song has been playing in my mind. I'll wake at night hearing the tune and trying to remember what it was.  I'll have flashes of the video which I haven't seen since childhood.  Very similar to the way Overkill hit my life 3 years ago...this song now takes over. 

Psych one - divorce
Psych two - divorce
So many similarities to how I feel right now not only throughout the song but the video!  And actually this video is how I dream at night.  Rarely do the dreams make total sense but they are always action packed and dramatic...

Welcome to my new song.  I actually enjoy it...it pumps me up like LLCoolJ.  All my life has indeed been Channel 13 and Sesame Street after all.....

Flashback....

Don't Ask Me Why - Billy Joel

In my quest to find my new song that has been bugging me for months now....  (I'll post that later)....  I ran upon this song  which brought back fierce memories.  I dated a musician back in the 90's who knew me very well.  He thought it was hilarious that I could take him to a Debutante function then in the same clothes, out drink grown men in a shot contest at a seedy bar.

Now it was certainly the most dysfunctional relationship I was ever in...talk about two totally different people!  But this song he said always reminded him of my charm... and he sang to me from the stage on those really fun nights.  A lot of it was tongue in cheek but at the same time - he knew me.  I haven't thought about this song in years!!!!  Makes me quite happy - nothing but great memories!

Reason Number 8042....

Reason number eight thousand forty two to not leave the security of your family for a man who runs from everyone and everything in his entire life.

Tonight I've noticed Coco is really down...meaning her pep is less than usual.  I caught her in deep thought before I put her in the tub for her bath.  I noticed she isn't playing with her toys.  At that point I know something is wrong.  I thought perhaps she was coming down with a virus or something of the sort.  I ask her what is wrong and she just shakes her head no as if she doesn't want to talk about it.
I leave and work on Misch's hair...return to Coco who is ready to talk:

Coco:  Mama.  When is CC coming back? 
Me:  (heat hits my face....  I feel my chest getting red immediately)...  Well honey, remember when JD was acting bad? 
Coco:  You mean when he shook you and I worried you would be dead? 
Me:  (tears at this point....so upsetting to realize what this little soul witnessed)  I suppose so.....
Coco:  And when he knocked down the door and he was bleeding on the walls?
Me:  I suppose so......yes Coco.  And that means CC can't be around us either. 

A moment of silence goes by....

Coco:  (after I rinse the conditioner out of her hair)... Well what about (enter JD's niece's name)? 
Me:  (not believing that she even remembers her name...)  Yes honey.  We won't get to see her either. 

Well as you can imagine....I'm sobbing at this point.  She asks why I'm crying and gets out of the tub. She takes a brush and starts brushing my hair (care taking)....  I burst out that I miss them all too. 

I not only did this to myself...but my children.  For what? 

So.... Who Am I Anyway ?

Number One:

Number Two:

These photos were taken at such different times yet I find myself in the same position and/or situation in life.  I chose the photos because they are truly so similar....the background in both were temporary yet never to be forgotten.  I'm wearing no make up in either.  Misch took both photos. 

In photo 1 I was lost and confused however felt safe and loved for the first time in my life.  Slippery ice hardly covered the situation however I felt a warmth that was melting all the danger away.  I was so excited about the future.  So sure about the future.  So in love with it all. 

***************

A mere 3 years later...photo 2 was taken on my 39th birthday.  In theory I should be more lost and confused than ever.  The feeling of safety and love has totally been shown to have only been a facade which is a feeling I'm familiar with ......unfortunately.  I'm not on slippery ice, I'm in a fucking hurricane - that is where the warmth comes from now. 

****************

That being said I have established firm boundaries in my life in order to protect me from people.  I rely on no one, which truly terrifies me to the core.  I unfortunately keep a rather dark back up plan which oddly comforts me and encourages me to continue putting one foot in front of the other.  I remain lost and confused but have insights.  For one I'm realizing that I'm confused because I'm trying to accept a logical result from a totally illogical set of circumstances. 

My God the innocence of number....

Goodbye....

Favorite Bee Gees Song....

Saturday and Thoughts

Found this on sale for $10 off per bottle in town.  Nice that this bottle can really last me days!

Cabinet put together again!  One of my friend's husband came over to fix it for me free of charge! 

Old Ghosts revisited and killed with a fun loving lunch! 

Great friend after Do Dah Day - Don't know if she is more tired or if the dogs are! 

A new sophisticated friend after Do Dah Day watching The Preakness!  Go "I'll Have Another"!!! 

Jack and Bo 

Picture Misch drew for Daddy.  This one stopped me in my tracks of reality for a moment or two.... 

And this is a photo opp to match no other.......

Do Day Day and our 'bodyguard'.  When he wasn't smiling you wouldn't have wanted to mess with him.  Funny how he smiled and laughed most of the day however!

And of course in my world of SMALL, I run into Mickey, Asia and my children!  At Do Dah Day.  REALLY small world.  Asia literally grabbed me and hugged me while swinging me side to side.  She was sooooooo gracious.  I am soooooooo lucky! 

Swiper ready for the parade!

Wondering if this isn't a donation from Tara's mother to the humane society.  Can't help but to wonder.....  She loved the humane society more than any other charity.  Even CF....

It was a great Saturday full of nice surprises. 

Three Years...

AMAZING how 3 years changes nothing. 

This photo was taken 3 years ago tomorrow.  I was alone and proving to myself I could do it.  Looking forward to the future. Having a few regrets and sadness over my past.  Worrying, yet living in the moment. 

And how this photo makes me cry looking at it now. 

Sometimes You Don't Realize How Strong You Truly Are....

But for the first time in my life, I know that I am Strong. Super strong.  You know why?  I finally had a moment to reflect on last week.  And in honest fashion, I'll tell all. 

Within SEVEN fucking days last week the following happened:
1.  Found out I was officially divorced.
2.  Had dance rehearsal / recital with 2 girls with no assistance - last year I at least had Asia, Mickey's fiance to run backstage with me and help get the girls dressed, undressed and redressed.
3.  Found out that my ex husband was back with his ex wife.  This only totally and completely supports my intituation from last summer.  I knew I missed something......Now I know what. 
4.  Found out my ex, ex husband got remarried, speaking of Asia.
5.  Finished an intensive therapy program to assist with my post traumatic stress syndrome and the grief I've sustained over the past couple of years being in an abusive relationship.  The program was crazy!  It was almost a hypnosis like purging of everything that happened over the past 2 years.  It was covered by my insurance so I took full advantage of my time before the girls are out of school for the summer!  And it gave me total clarity on things I didn't understand before.   
6.  Confirmed my worse fear that indeed my mother has never loved me not even as a child - from her own mouth (awesome for Mother's Day week). 

That is 6 life changers in 7 days.  Well I suppose you can't count the recital or rehearsal as 'life changers' so let me make that 5 out of 7.  Try to beat that shit people!  (And not jump off a fucking bridge)....

Happy Mother's Day!

I am truly having the best mother's day ever.  I mean ever! 

I took the girls clothes shopping today and had no idea how much fun that could be.  Within reason they bought a few trinkets (sunglasses, hair accessories) while I bought them some wardrobe basics they needed.  I truly enjoyed their company and laughter.  At the same time I have no obligation to see any other mother or even call any other mother in the world.  THAT in itself is a gift.  See, I'm just fine by myself and love being single. 

My choice to be single is purely due to my HORRIBLE choice in men. For the love, you could put me in a room of 50 men and I'll pick the worst one for me every time.  That being said, my choice in friends is awesome.  I have the greatest friends in the world!  My friends are supportive, fun, loving and all very unique.  I'm rebuilding my guy friend population once again as well! 

I keep thinking about how complicated my life was.  I'm thankful for the simplicity now.
I keep thinking about how anxious I was.  I'm so thankful for peace now. 

Happy Mother's Day to all my fellow mamas!!!!  And a shout out to my former MIL.  I spent a while talking to her at the recital and she is soooooo loving towards me.  I feel as if she wished Mickey and I were back together. I told her getting back together with an ex is like taking a shower and putting your dirty undies back on.  That when people get back together with an ex, well you have to expect there will be a 'honeymoon' period THEN things will go back to the level they left off at.  For me, I'm happier being alone than living with someone who makes me feel alone like Mickey did.  But it was a very nice compliment......

Loved the post recital photos below.  Can you tell I'm forcing the photos on them.  Neither of them can fake it to pretend they are having a good time.

Of course I bring a cooler with snacks.... apparently I'm an aggressive driver.  Upon arrival ...shit was everywhere!   

Glamour....Solo...

Today is a four letter word:   Reci.  tal.  Da. y.

Today does however kick some major ass in that I'm alone and don't have to worry about making everyone happy.  My kids can be loud and have fun.  Some of the things we are doing:
Red Hot Chilli Peppers for the theme music.
A Screwdriver for breakfast (sorry - what else am I expected to do).
Tailgating with my friends at Sanford prior to entering the auditorium.
Making plans for my girls to come back to Oneonta with my good friend's mama while she and I go to Cheesecake factory and hit the bar in rare Glamour Girl / fun style. 

Lets do this thing.....  GG out....

Link for Any Parent..... He's a Jerk....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKNaYlzssbc

And I'm Feelin Good.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmwRQqJsegw&ob=av2e

So my mother today told me she can't say the words 'I love you' to me because she can't say that to another adult.  She then continues (to my shock) by saying she and her father say 'I love you'.  And that she and her sister say 'I love you'. 

    :) - lmao - aren't you easy Mimi? 

Sooooooooooooo I ask if her father and sister aren 't indeed adults.

She pauses like the thought never ever ever ever occurred to her.  ( REALLY - this is really funny actually.)







She then changes the subject and tells me what a cold & lonely child I was.

BOOM......  I am now posed to address the subject openly..... "Mimi, it is and was not my job as a child to charm you into loving me". 

Enter silence....

I then said...you tell Misch and Coco that you love them..... 



(point obviously delivered.......  ). 

....Well they are kids.... (mimi says).

= awesomeness

Old Fashioned Glamour Girl Rant Time.....

So years....YEARS... ago I would say what I liked and didn't like.  Now is no different.  I like my new hair color after finding out I'm officially divorced.  I actually think too many women are blonde.....  Why don't I be the blonde who colors darker?  Why not? 

Happy Cinco De Derby to my friends.  I am NOT as drunk as I appear.  I was blinking but the photo is so damn good of everyone else I went with it.....

NOW... WHAT PISSES ME OFF:

My cabinet door came of of my garbage thing-a-bob.  PISSES ME THE FFFFUUUUCCCCKKKKK OFF..... Someone has to fix this this.....  SOMEONE!

Leaky drain.  Not only did  I never get my tub clogged (for lack of a better technical word)... it also drip all day. Every day. 

I am throwing out the knives / aka the only christmas gift I got from Jim.... - as I use them.  Don't have far to go.....

Ashton...  Need I say more.  Demi LOVED him totally.  She had a mother fucking nervous breakdown when he left.  Did he care?  Nope.  (Awesomeness)....

The front door which I have no key to....

The plant which I cannot determine if it is the daisy plant I planted in this same spot last year OR polk salad?  Who the fuck knows...

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